Kitchen Etiquette

Issue #50
Blog #12-2017
Section:Cooking With Joe
Blogger: Joseph Clay


“Joster, since you treated me to a night I will not soon forget I’ll make breakfast this morning!”

She was so excited about cooking I hated to break heart.

She was making it hard as she was heading the down the hall wearing nothing but the french maids skirt from the night before. She was smiling from ear to ear as she found my apron and chiefs hat hanging on the pantry door. As she pulled the apron over a head of thick brunette hair she said. 

“Joester, we don’t want these big girls to get splattered with grease. They got a good covering and splattering last night.”

With the apron and hat on I knew I had to make my move and clear up a few things before she reached for the first pan.

You see I love to cook, it relieves stress and plus cooking allows me to eat cooked food, not raw like Sushi, which you can keep. I only eat one thing that taste like fish and is not cooked… that would be tuna. However when it comes to cooking I have several pet peeves, whether I’m doing it or not.

[Bloggers note: See you thought I was going to the gutter with that eating fish remark and break the rules handed down to me by the very company I own. Ha fooled you.]

Smiling I was pointing to one of the stools  at the breakfast bar as I suggested,

“Dear have a seat, and lets cover kitchen etiquette.”

Cooking Blog 1

Joe’s Kitchen Etiquette and Rules

When cooking, do not leave the kitchen to read, talk on the phone, watch TV, or another activity that is not life threatening. This is the main reason food burns.

Because the box instructions states 375 degrees for thirty-five minutes doesn’t mean a damn a thing. They were not using your stove or oven when they wrote the directions.

If you got time to talk on the phone you got time to clean as you go.

If you do have to leave the kitchen for bodily functions wash your hands upon returning. Don’t tell me you did it in the bathroom. I could care less what happened in the toilet, I want to see you wash your hands.

Prepare the food so it is ready for consumption at the same time. I don’t need the neck bone and collard greens getting cold while we are waiting on the corn bread to get done. I know this takes a little planning and requires some effort and you would rather be talking to a friend on the phone.

After mixing up the mayo or mustard and sweet salads cubes into the tuna you notice it could use more of one of the ingredients. The way you handle this is simple;  and prevents cross contamination.

Do not use the spoon, fork, knife or whatever to fetch more from the mayo or mustard jar. This makes the mayo or mustard taste like, you guessed it tuna. Plus who wants chunks of sweet salad cubes in their mayo when making a nanaer (banana) sandwich later on. Not me!

Same principle goes for fake butter. Use a spoon to remove enough fake butter to spread on the bread, toast, rolls, vegetables and whatever else in to a saucer. Then use a case knife, dinner knife to the rich people, to spread the fake butter on the bread and vegetables.

Nothing like opening a tub of fake butter and it be full of bread crumbs, uncooked roll tops, and kernels of corn.

Another thing, I don’t want to open the fake butter and find a spoon, case knife, or fork in it. Remove whatever you used to spread with from the container and at least put in the sink.

[Bloggers note. Has any one noticed that the fake butter, margarine is what I think they call it,  wont stick to the knife anymore. The crap just falls off onto the counter or even worse back in the container. That’s the reason we are going back to real butter in this house. This new fangled stuff can’t be good for you.]

Cookware ain’t cheap, so do not use a metal spatula or any metal instrument in a ceramic or Teflon coated frying pan, pot, crock pot, well you get the idea. Always use wood or plastic.

[Bloggers note: If Teflon is a non-stick surface have you ever wonder how they get it stick to the pan when applying it? Maybe one side is sticky the other is non-stick.]

If cooking on an electrical stove and you don’t want the food to burn and stick to the non-stick pan here is a tip.

Remember that when you turn the eye off the heat is still there. An electric stove top does not cool as fast as a gas one due to the area that has been heated.

This ain’t school so there is no use for me to get into the thermodynamics of it, just take my word for it.

So once the food is done remove it from the hot surface and place the pan on a nice trivet. Better yet and if you have company it is a must. Place the food in a serving dish with the proper utensils.

[Bloggers note: In my opinion this needs to be done at every meal and the serving containers placed on the table and every one come to the table to eat. Yep America needs to get back to eating together around the table. No TV or cell phones allowed!]

Hair must be under a cap, hat, or net, if not stay out of the kitchen.

Want to be sexy and cook naked for the man or woman in your life, or maybe together. That is OK as long as you are pretending to cook. If you just can’t resist the temptation of cooking naked, which will change once the first splatter of grease hits the Johnson or one of the two girls, at least put on a cap, apron and some pantyhose. That goes for the men to, and a shirt if you have a hairy back and chest.

Food is important to a healthy sex life, like keeps you from starving,  so just cook clothed, get naked later and pull out the whip cream, strawberries and cucumbers and go to town on the counter once the kitchen is cleaned and the company is gone.

When I’m cooking stay out of the kitchen, if I don’t ask for your help, guess what I don’t need it and you will be in the way. I have long legs and move quick for on old man. Stay put and enjoy the aroma of the food and the sight of a sexy, fully clothed man, in a cap cooking and whistling in the kitchen.

Till next time,


[Publishers note: The opinions and/or endorsements in this blog are the blogger’s and only published by ThunderHorse Publishing.  The opinions and/or endorsements do not necessarily represent the views of ThunderHorse Publishing.
None of the material, written and/or photographs on this blog is authorized for use in promoting and/or any type of media use pertaining to Author Joseph Clay. Authorized book related and other information pertaining to the authors novels and other writing topics can be found by visiting one of the following sites
Official Authors Blog
Official Website
Electronic Press Kit (EPK) ]

ThunderHorse Publishing Nashville, Tennessee ©2017

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