It Ain’t Happening Darling

Issue #62
Blog #2-2018
Section: Life Away From…
Blogger: Joseph Clay


I heard a rap on the door. I laid my tablet and pencil on the table next to my recliner that was by the gas logged fire place. I eased up from the leather chair. With my bones creaking  I ventured to the entrance to see who was disturbing my peace. I opened the door and to my surprise there was Snow Bunny.

“Come on Joester. Come outside and play. I’ll make you forget all about the snow, ice and cold.”

“Hello Darling, glad you could come over. What you say we play inside today as it’s cold out there.”

“I want to play outside!”

“It ain’t happening Darling!”

Hows everyone getting along in 2018? Great I hope and by the way Happy New Year!

If you made any New Years resolutions let me know what they were, and also let me know if you are still on track to keep them or have they already been tossed to the curb.

This is the first time in several years I have made a resolution. After the last one I wrote them off. They cramped my style and to be honest made life boring. Lets see…

Oh yeah, the year was 1982 and I was going to stop smoking, drinking, and chasing wild women. My new life style would start at the stroke of midnight. Well when the clock began to chime in the witching hour, that’s three am to the mortals, I was sitting on the balcony at a hotel in Key West.

To my right was a beautiful lady with locks of Blonde hair. To my left was an equally sexy woman with coal-black hair. Both had fire in their eyes and a smile that would send chills up your spine.

I was gulping Bourbon and smoking a smuggled Cuban Cigar. I placed the bottle on the table and looked down at three pair of feet. Two sets of toe’s were painted, one red the other pink. The last set of feet were mine and they looked like hell. I noticed all of our clothes in a pile by the sliding door that led back into the room.

Shaking my head and gasping for air as it had been a long but fun three hours I thought. I need my socks to cover up these alligator feet.

I smiled as I looked at the beach below. There running across the white sand toward the ocean was my New Years Resolution. The sun had not rose on the first day of the new year before I had tossed that resolution over the railing.

That is when I decided that I would not make anymore resolutions for New Years. My smile increased as my lady friends began giggling as each grabbed an arm and pulled me up.

“Joester let’s go back inside and play some more,” came from my right.

“Yeah, Joester you said once you got some fresh air you would be ready for round 4,” came from my left.

“That I did. Let me blow a couple more smoke rings and Darlings I’ll make it happen.”

Of course that was in my younger days when I had more stamina and energy than a lion chasing its prey. Of course I also had more enemies than friends, more money than sense but was enjoying the life of a rebel.

Since then I have turned over a new leaf in life, it’s called getting old. Getting old means you are all grown up, have stability in your life and are living happily ever after, right?

Getting old is not that bad. Sure your stamina drops along with your energy and you can’t do things the way you once did.

To overcome this you simply improvise. You focus more on quality than quantity. You also learn other techniques and that devices, such as tools and other gadgets are your friends.

Man didn’t invent corded and cordless power tools just because he could. No they are to help us old folks get the job done with less effort.

What’s the saying, you are as young as you feel? I certainly hope not, as I feel like I was run over by a damn tractor-trailer; wait a minute I was. That however is another tale for another time. For now lets just say, me, Evel Knievel and the Six Million Dollar Man have a lot in common.

[Bloggers note: If you are from the generation that doesn’t remember or never heard of Mister Knievel and/or the Six Million Dollar Man Google them.]

Now days my enemies have either been defeated or no longer can be found. There is only one that keeps me in anguish. My enemy’s name is Cold. Cold is the northern child of Mother Nature.

Yep the older I get the stronger my enemy becomes. I don’t care who you are I’m not coming outside to face Cold unless it’s a matter of life and death. Like I told Snow Bunny  “It ain’t happening Darling.”

You see Cold brings about pain I would rather forget and there is nothing anyone can do to stop that pain once it starts.

With the new year comes winter in the Northern Hemisphere and Cold is turned loose to wreak havoc. Cold will drive the temperatures down to single digits, bring winds howling that makes the temps feel like its below zero. Oh and the ice along with the snow that Cold loves to play in.

Cold has me in its grasp once again. The battle is on. Cold snickers at me as my skin dries out, my tan fades and the pain sets in. Cold laughs as I shiver walking out to the mailbox and limp back to the house. Cold has no mercy!

[Bloggers note: Going to the mailbox is a matter of life and death. The mail must be retrieved everyday or someone will lose their head.]

I must defeat Cold once and for all. You see I have everything in place to live happily ever after as a responsible adult. I’ll pause here until you stop laughing about me being a responsible adult….

…OK now that you have wiped the tears from your eyes I’ll wrap this up.

Yes everything is in place with the exception of year round 70 degree temperatures, on average of course, lots of sunshine to help me maintain my tan, and white sandy beaches.

Here is the kicker, my doctor has told me that a warmer climate is better for my health issues than a colder one. We all must follow doctors orders, it’s in our best interest.

So my New Years resolution for 2018 is…

Being a responsible adult I realize I can’t defeat Cold, but I can escape Cold. Three places come to mind, all three I have visited and loved. Saint Lucia in the Windward Islands, Saint Thomas in the Virgin Islands, and the furthermost southern point in the United States, Key West, Florida.

shutterstock_95410324Yes this is the last winter I spend in Nashville, Tennessee or any city north of Miami.

“Joester it’s another beautiful warm January day. Come on out with your drink and cigar and let’s have a little fun”

“Let me pop a couple of my little blue pills and I’ll be right out Darling”

Happy New Year again. May 2018 be a prosperous year and a healthy one for all and try your best to stay warm during this wicked winter.


[Publishers note: The opinions and/or endorsements in this blog are the blogger’s and only published by ThunderHorse Publishing.  The opinions and/or endorsements do not necessarily represent the views of ThunderHorse Publishing.
None of the material, written and/or photographs on this blog is authorized for use in promoting and/or any type of media use pertaining to Author Joseph Clay. Authorized book related and other information pertaining to the authors novels and other writing topics can be found by visiting one of the following sites
Official Authors Blog
Official Website
Electronic Press Kit (EPK)]

-ThunderHorse Publishing Nashville, Tennessee ©2018


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