It Ain’t Happening Darling – A New Years Resolution

 Blog 1-2018


“Come on Joester. Come outside and play. I’ll make you forget all about the snow, ice and cold.”

“Hello Darling, glad you could come over. What you say we play inside today as it’s cold out there.”

“I want to play outside!”

“It ain’t happening Darling!”

Hows everyone getting along in 2018? Great I hope and by the way Happy New Year!

If you made any New Years resolutions let me know what they were, and also let me know if you are still on track to keep them or have they already been tossed to the curb.

This is the first time in several years I have made a resolution. After the last one I wrote them off. They cramped my style and to be honest made life boring. Lets see…Oh yeah, the year was 1982 and I was going to stop smoking, drinking, and chasing wild women. My new life style would start at the stroke of midnight.

Well when the clock began to chime in the witching hour, that’s three am to the mortals, I was sitting on the balcony at a hotel in Key West.

To my right was a beautiful lady with locks of Blonde hair. To my left was an equally sexy woman with coal-black hair. Both had fire in their eyes and a smile that would send chills up your spine.

I was gulping Bourbon and smoking a smuggled Cuban Cigar. I placed the bottle on the table and looked down at three pair of feet. Two sets of toe’s were painted, one red the other pink. The last set of feet were mine and they looked like hell. I noticed all of our clothes in a pile by the sliding door that led back into the room.

Shaking my head and gasping for air as it had been a long but fun three hours I thought. I need my socks to cover up these alligator feet.

I smiled as I looked at the beach below. There running across the white sand toward the ocean was my New Years Resolution. The sun had not rose on the first day of the new year before I had tossed that resolution over the railing.

That is when I decided that I would not make anymore resolutions for New Years. My smile increased as my lady friends began giggling as each grabbed an arm and pulled me up.

“Joester let’s go back inside and play some more,” came from my right.

“Yeah, Joester you said once you got some fresh air you would be ready for round 4,” came from my left.

“That I did. Let me blow a couple more smoke rings and Darlings I’ll make it happen.”

Of course that was in my younger days when I had more stamina and energy than a lion chasing its prey. Of course I also had more enemies than friends, more money than sense but was enjoying the life of a rebel.

Since then I have turned over a new leaf in life, it’s called getting old. Getting old means you are all grown up, have stability in your life and are living happily ever after, right?

Getting old is not that bad. Sure your stamina drops along with your energy and you can’t do things the way you once did. To overcome this you simply improvise. You focus more on quality than quantity. You also learn other techniques and that devices, such as tools and other gadgets are your friends. Man didn’t invent corded and cordless power tools just because he could. No they are to help us old folks get the job done with less effort.

What’s the saying, you are as young as you feel? I certainly hope not, as I feel like I was run over by a damn tractor-trailer; wait a minute I was. That however is another tale for another time. For now lets just say, me, Evel Knievel and the Six Million Dollar Man have a lot in common.

If you are from the generation that doesn’t remember or never heard of Mister Knievel and/or the Six Million Dollar Man Google them.

Now days my enemies have either been defeated or no longer can be found. There is only one that keeps me in anguish. My enemy’s name is Cold. Cold is the northern child of Mother Nature.

Yep the older I get the stronger my enemy becomes. I don’t care who you are I’m not coming outside to face Cold unless it’s a matter of life and death. Like I told the Queen pictured above, “it ain’t happening Darling.”

You see Cold brings about pain I would rather forget and there is nothing anyone can do to stop that pain once it starts.

With the new year comes winter in the Northern Hemisphere and Cold is turned loose to wreak havoc. Cold will drive the temperatures down to single digits, bring winds howling that makes the temps feel like its below zero. Oh and the ice along with the snow that Cold loves to play in.

Cold has me in its grasp once again. The battle is on. Cold snickers at me as my skin dries out, my tan fades and the pain sets in. Cold laughs as I shiver walking out to the mailbox and limp back to the house. Cold has no mercy!

[Bloggers note: Going to the mailbox is a matter of life and death. The mail must be retrieved everyday or someone will lose their head.]

I must defeat Cold once and for all. You see I have everything in place to live happily ever after as a responsible adult. I’ll pause here until you stop laughing about me being a responsible adult….

…OK now that you have wiped the tears from your eyes I’ll wrap this up.

Yes everything is in place with the exception of year round 70 degree temperatures, on average of course, lots of sunshine to help me maintain my tan, and white sandy beaches.

Here is the kicker, my doctor has told me that a warmer climate is better for my health issues than a colder one. We all must follow doctors orders, it’s in our best interest.

[Bloggers note: It’s also in our best interest not to disobey the orders of an RN, if you do heads will roll.]

So my New Years resolution for 2018 is…

Being a responsible adult I realize I can’t defeat Cold, but I can escape Cold. Three places come to mind, all three I have visited and loved. Saint Lucia in the Windward Islands, Saint Thomas in the Virgin Islands, and the furthermost southern point in the United States, Key West, Florida.

Yes this is the last winter I spend in Nashville, Tennessee or any city north of Miami.


“Joester it’s another beautiful warm January day. Come on out with your drink and cigar and let’s have a little fun”

“Let me pop a couple of my little blue pills and I’ll be right out Darling”

Happy New Year again. May 2018 be a prosperous year and a healthy one for all and try your best to stay warm during this wicked winter.


Blogger: Joseph Clay

[Publishers note: The opinions, subject matter and/or endorsements in this blog are those of the blogger and do not represent the opinions, subject matter and/or endorsements of ThunderHorse Publishing.]






Has S.A.D. Driven Joe to the Fiery Pit?


For those of you that look at profile pictures you noticed I changed mine on Facebook to the one above around the last of February or the first of March. This photograph describes my feelings to a tee.

I hate four things with a passion, and the first quarter of every year, all four of these events align casting a dark shadow and overwhelming me with their mystical force. The way I combat this phenomenon is to withdraw from all social activities. I know my limitations, temper, and how hard it is to control my mouth. For that reason I avoid all social contact which includes social media, going out to eat, or anything else where I’m around people in general. Toward the middle of April is when I began to venture out , any time before then it literally makes me angry to leave the house or interact with people.

UG #B2

I’ll be the first person to tell you that I have issues, both mentally and physically. I take measures to keep both in check but the first quarter of every year, overwhelms me to the point of total frustration which eventually leads to the above mentioned anger. That’s the reason for the withdrawal.  I have been diagnosed with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) but there is more to it than that. Plus I’m not real sure S.A.D. is a disorder. After all drug companies and doctors will make up disorders and diseases in order to make money. Think about it if we were all healthy, neither would be making any money.

What are these events that take place that makes me go into seclusion. Well they are minor events, and individually I can handle with no problem, but stacked on top of each other is a formula for disaster. We will start with the weather, as that is what all the medical professionals seem to think triggers S.A.D.

  1. Weather – I hate winter. My left side from waist down suffered a traumatic injury in 1977. I’ve had more surgeries on that hip, knee, leg, ankle, and foot than I can count. Getting through a metal detector is always fun with all the plates, screws, and wires that hold me together. The cold weather along with dampness (rain, snow, ice) causes it all to become stiff, ache and hurt, my fused ankle gives me the most fits. My limp becomes more prominent, which leads to spasms in my back. Now January and February or the coldest months, March and April or damp, all four are gloomy. Toss in the fact when I’m in a high level of pain, I’m irritable as hell, so I stay away from people, and expect people to stay away from me.
  2. Health – Within the first quarter of each year is when my yearly trip to the heart specialist is scheduled to have the old ticker checked out. I would not have a problem with this if they would say do it around May or June, but no it’s always in January or February. Which means I have to be out in the cold increasing the pain level.  Then they always find something else wrong and schedule a whole battery of test that keep me running back and forth in the cold. From what I have been told so for this year it appears I shall remain grounded like I have been since 2014.  By that I mean the doctor highly suggest that I stay with in a 50 mile radius of Vanderbilt Hospital, I tested him a couple of times but learned my lesson in 2015.  Yep two days before Thanksgiving, I suffered my fourth or fifth heart attack, I have lost count of those also. The first thing I was told by my doctor.  “Good thing you were close, if not you would be dead, you almost coded in the ER. ” He has a great bedside manner.
  3. The Government (IRS) -Since the early nineties the IRS and myself haven’t seen eye to eye on nothing. It got better for a while, meaning we left each other alone. During this time we keep a watchful eye on one another. More or less laying in wait for the other to pounce so we could counter. Well as we know April is tax time and the fun began. The IRS didn’t like the weasel maneuver I pulled to get around the laws and withdrew my entire pension before 59-1/2 or whatever the appropriate age is. All I know it ain’t 56 and that was how old I was when I received the payout.  To appease them I reinvested some of the money, opening a couple of small business that allowed me to hire people or help them with their business start-up by contracting them to provide services for my companies. That is a good thing right? Well this year rolled around and guess what, The IRS didn’t like the way I did that either as it was all tied back to my name. Duh, it’s my money so why wouldn’t it be. So I’m in the process of closing the small business down, restructuring them under one name and reopening them. All because the Federal Government can tell you what you can do with your own damn money. I pay my fair share in taxes, but when you hit me with tax bill that is more than my house is worth, after I have paid about the same figure throughout the year. It ain’t happening!
  4. Legal Issues – Last year in February, me and several others got hit with a civil damages law suit that steamed from a company we all use to work for. I hadn’t worked for this particular place since 1998. After contacting my personal attorney in Georgia, where the law suite originated, he handled the rest getting me in contact with the corporate lawyers of the company that we all were employed by. I figured that I was clear for being severed papers at the house. Wrong. I was served papers to appear in child support court in February of this year, almost to the date of last years special delivery. It appears that Georgia changed the law so they had to re-figure what I owed. The kicker, the subpoena had an attachment from Georgia that told me how much that was. Going to court was a waste of my time and money. All they did was tell me what was written on the documentation from Georgia that was the attachment. The only reason that I had to appear, so they could charge me $145.00 in court cost. I have two ex wives, well three, but I got custody of the last child. Both cases or from Georgia, but they bring me to court on separate dates. Seems like an inefficient way to do business, not to them as this is all about money, so each visit comes with a $145.00 court cost. But hey I got a surprise for all involved, and I do mean all.

So there you go, that’s why I haven’t been on social media, as talkative as I normally am, and ignoring phone calls. Things are looking up as May has come into the picture. The days are getting longer and the sun feels good. I took a mini vacation over my birthday which relieved a ton of stress.

Here are a few other things I do to combat the stress and anger that the first quarter of every year brings on.

  • Music – I listen to the Blues, old rock and roll, old country and classical music. One of those genres is always playing on the satellite radio when I’m downstairs, which is all the time.
  • Meditation –  Takes the mind to a better place and relaxes the soul. I’m a firm believer in meditation and do it often
  • Exercise – I don’t do this enough, as I hate getting out in cold weather. So I do yoga at the house and love to plank, sometimes while meditating.
  • Tanning Bed – If you can’t have the real thing artificial sun will do.
  • Bourbon – One shot of bourbon a day will keep the body warm and will relax the mind. One shot is two ounces, so don’t grab the bottle and turn it up.

Here are a few things I do not do as I think they add to the problem, like drinking too much Bourbon.

Pain Medicines – I don’t take any type of narcotic drug. I like for my mind to stay clear, my trigger finger under my control, and my reflex’s at their normal cat-like speed. Since I’m in constant pain of some level everyday Doctors have been trying for years to get me to go to a pain clinic. I refuse, I have been in pain for forty years I have learned how to cope with it for the most part. Plus I have seen first hand what being addicted to narcotics, street or prescribed, can do to a person. In my opinion Pain Clinics are legal drug pushers, and sooner or later their clients will become addicted to the drug they prescribe. The sad part most of them have no idea they are hooked and will argue with you till the cows come home that they are not.

Phsychotrophic Drugs – I don’t take those either for the same reason listed above. However I have a loved one who is a lot like me that takes what they call a happy pill. There appears to be no side effects, they can function normally and do not feel drugged at all. Since I have to go to the doctor on Friday, I may check on these. See I’m not against all medication, just those that hinder my thought process.

Till next time,