I love to cook, it relieves stress and plus cooking allows me to eat cooked food, not raw like Sushi, which you can keep. I only eat one thing that taste like fish and is not cooked…, that would be tuna.
[Writers note: See you thought I was going to the gutter and break the rules handed down to me by the their people. Ha fooled you.]
I have several pet peeves when it comes to cooking whether I’m doing it or not.
When cooking, do not leave the kitchen to read, talk on the phone, watch TV, or another activity that is not life threatening. This is the man reason food burns. Because the box instructions states 375 degrees for thirty-five minutes doesn’t mean a damn a thing. They were not using your stove or even when they wrote the directions. If you got time to talk on the phone you got time to clean as you go.
If you do have to leave the kitchen for bodily functions wash your hands upon returning. Don’t tell me you did it in the bathroom. I could care les what happened in the toilet, I want to see you wash your hands.
Prepare the food so it is ready for consumption at the same time. I don’t need the neck bone and collard greens getting cold while we are waiting on the corn bread to get done. I know this takes a little planning and requires some effort and you would rather be talking to a friend on the phone.
When making Tuna Salad; After mixing the tuna with mayo or mustard and sweet salad cubes you see it needs more. Do not use the spoon, fork, knife or whatever to fetch more from the mayo or mustard jar. This makes the mayo or mustard taste like, you guessed it tuna. Plus who wants chunks of sweet salad cubes in their mayo or mustard. Not me!
Same principle goes for fake butter. Use a spoon to remove enough fake butter to spread on the bread, toast, rolls, vegetables and whatever else in to a saucer. Then use a case knife, dinner knife to the rich people, to spread the fake butter on the bread and vegetables. Nothing like opening a tub of fake butter and it be full of bread crumbs, uncooked roll tops, and kernels of corn. Another thing, I don’t want to open the fake butter and find a spoon, case knife, or fork in it. Remove whatever you used to spread with from the container and at least put in the sink.
[Writers note. Has any one noticed that the fake butter, margarine is what I think they call it, wont stick to the knife anymore. The crap just falls off onto the counter or even worse back in the container. That’s the reason we are going back to real butter in this house. This new fangled stuff can’t be good for you.]
Cookware ain’t cheap, so do not use a metal spatula or any metal instrument in a ceramic or Teflon coated frying pan, pot, crock pot, well you get the idea. Always use wood or plastic.
[Writers note: If Teflon is a non-stick surface have you ever wonder how they get it stick to the pan when applying it? Maybe one side is sticky the other is non-stick.]
If cooking on an electrical stove and you don’t want the food to burn and stick to the non-stick pan here is a tip. Remember that when you turn the eye off the heat is still there. An electric stove top does not cool as fast as a gas one due to the area that has been heated. This ain’t school so there is no use for me to get into the thermodynamics of it, just take my word for it. So once the food is done remove it from the hot surface and place the pan on a nice trivet. Better yet and if you have company it is a must. Place the food in a serving dish with the proper utensils. America needs to get back to eating together around the table. No cell phones allowed!
Hair must be under a cap, hat, or net if not stay out of the kitchen.
Want to be sexy and cook naked for the man or woman in your life, or maybe together. That is OK as long as you are pretending to cook. If you just can’t resist the temptation of cooking naked, which will change once the first splatter of grease hits the Johnson or one of the two girls, at least put on a cap, apron and some pantyhose. That goes for the men to, and a shirt if you have a hairy back and chest. Food is important to a healthy sex life, like keeps you from starving, so just cook clothed, get naked later and pull out the whip cream, strawberries and cucumbers and go to town on the counter once the kitchen is cleaned and the company is gone.
When I’m cooking stay out of the kitchen, if I don’t ask for your help, guess what I don’t need it and you will be in the way. I have long legs and move quick for on old man. Stay put and enjoy the aroma of the food and the sight of a sexy, fully clothed man, in a cap cooking and whistling in the kitchen.
Till next time,
Joe
